counting the moments as they crawl by
watching the numbers jump on the screen as i count down to the moment when it will end.
like children they amuse themselves
laughing and gigling over wierd contraptions that i cant comprehend
speaking in a language of their own
in a world beyond me
and i sit on the peripheral and just gaze past the invisible glass that seperates us
close my eyes.
its time to fall asleep.

experimenting with blogging from google.
not sure if it will actually work

very unglamourous evening last night.
shall not even go there.
mortified.
i am praying that i never have to see that same bunch of guys again.
mixing alcohol is a bad idea.
shochu + graveyard = insane

thanks for being such a dear and taking care of me.
appreciated

Happy birthday NICK(:

exams are finally over.
kinda been prett anti climax though.
but i guess thats also because i havent really been mugging THAT had to feel the sense of relief that washes over you.
always nice to know though that there is no nagging voice at the back of you head nagging you to do work
or the guilt that eats away slowly at you because you are not using your time appropriately.
haha.
its 430am
and i just got back.
sleep is screaming out at me.

too much sashimi
too much wine.
life is lovely this way.

i am like inches away from swearing that i will never get behind the wheel of my car again
i am begining to think it has some sort of a personal vendetta against me.

i can still feel my heart racing in my chest
that roaring helplessness screaming in side my head
the constrictions in my lungs, making my breathing laboured
as i stand my the road my senses reeling
hopeless and unsure of what to do.

car broke down at jln bahar today
10 minutes before my paper was due to begin.
too far away too remote to call for help.
the father is becoming increasingly not helpful.
(i mean i know i cant blame him but i would appreciate direction and guidance sometime right?)

however, despite the whole shit that the incident wrought and me being late for my paper after having to leave the car by the road, i met many people to whom i owe thanks.
the taxi uncle: for being so kind as to driving me despite me not having cash and trusting me enough to allow me to transfer the money to his account
rosalind: for the ride out to my car
the taxi auntie: for her bottle of water to top up the water and her nice advice being so sweet and all
traffic police: for being so kind and understanding (the nice indian one) and well the chinese dodo for not booking me in the end
the tow truck uncle: for helping me move the car top up the water and basically without whom i would still be stuck at NTU.

there ARE nice helpful people in this world
and i am grateful for having met them

on quite a high right now seeing that i just got back from 221
thats like three more papers, three more days till the end of exams
really quite loooking forward to it.
and theres sushi buffet on friday to top it off.
so YES the end of the examinations is definitely something worth lookin forward to.

with regard to how my papers are doing
well lets just say that welll
i dont wanna talk about it.
can be likened to having dug my own grave
and death will come when my results are out.

vivien, weiwei, lijie, abby:
5th december at my house.
games night in the evening.
can? let me know.
tag msg whatever.

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. Then there is the kind of pain you just can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt, how we manage our pain is up to us. Pain we anthetisize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it...hope it goes away on its on, and hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breath deep and wait for it subside...you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.

my countdown calander is flashing 'one day to the start of exams'
and my dashboard has been adorned with my lovely exam timetable.
but somehow my mind's stil all over the place and i cant seem to get myself to sit down and get some serious work done.
its mighty disturbing really
and i am basically just eating my way through the day.
need to learn to be constructive and more disciplined
two attributes that well..
i never had to begin with
so really this isnt gonna go very far.

time to head off and attempt to get some things done.

birkes came in the mail yesterday!
and so did my darling love-a-lot necklace

receiving mail is always a gloriously fun and exciting thing
even though the waiting and anticipation is sometimes hell of annoying
it just makes the moment when you receive the package to open it all the more exciting.

on a less glorious note
i am fretting cos exams are like just around the corner and i feel immensely unprepared
to add to the stress of the situation
my project grades and course work grades are totally fucked up
so that means i have to do more than amazingly well to pull my results up.
at the rate i am going
i swear that i have no idea how thats gonna happen.
ARGH.

and i swear i am FAT.
this morning i realise that i couldnt button my jeans
pray tell me that they shrank?
pleease.

exams are seriously creeping and lurking round the corner
like this huge ferocious monster barring its teeth refusing to go away.
i guess in some ways
its like the bull fights where the matador knows that a ferocious bull is waiting there inside the ring
and its all the work at practice in those few moments that determines his fate.
i kinda feel like that
only that there is a stronger sense of impending death and not victory

stayed home to try to get some work done
but honestly
cant seem to be able to retain anything
and my eye lids are betraying me by threatening to shut themselves.

argh.

its a whole sea of faces
some familiar ones scattered among the throng of white shirts
but largely they were strangers
people you could simply walk past on the streets without batting an eyelid.
in the background the band played on
i couldnt quite place my finger on what tunes it was suppose to me
neither mournful nor jovial
simply marching sounds i guess
of the trumpet blarring out every other instrument in the tiny old band.
literally
the muscians together with their instruments looked as though they had been many places.
intertwined with the vaguely musical sound
the smell of incense filled the air
with that tinge of nicotine from cigarettes hanging loosely from the lips of many.

another death,
another funeral.
stare blankly at the coloured photograph simling at all the faces gathered round
mechanically i bow
feeling like a low down hypocrite
as voices in my head scream out and call me names that i know i deserve.

on some of the alien faces, eyes colour as tears begin to fall
and i wish i could just disappear and fade away into the distance
i dont belong.
but yet the thick cords of responsibility family and respect had called me here
and i knew that this was the right thing to do.

will i miss the man of few words in the arm chair?
the greeting on the face i see once a year?
perhaps?
but probably not.

Labels: i

i feel terrible. was supposed to wake early today to go back to school for econs lecture as Mr thin man was giving out exam tips.
unfortunately though, was just uncapable of dragging myself out of bed and before i knew it the sun was streaming in through the window and i was feel the warm air slowly float up towards my cosy bed.
A few good things have come out of my staying at home though,
managed to almost get my newspaper layout completed
and i got my pretty grey pull over. *beams